In my Personal Vitality Coaching sessions, I regularly find myself helping a  discouraged client affected by rejection from “a frenemy” (friend and enemy at the same time) or from the exit of a toxic person. You may remember that my definition for Vitality is Energy + Joy + Momentum. These are the things that serve as a foundation to keep us healthy.  Psychologist Henry Cloud in a YouTube presentation entitled “Identifying Safe and Unsafe People” talks about “safe people” and how they benefit your health. The also speaks of unhealthy, insecure people and how dangerous they are to your health.  

It is difficult to experience a shift in your health and vitality when you have not processed pain inflicted by an unsafe person.  When you consider the ongoing disrespect and repeated betrayal of trust that comes from a such a person, it makes sense that you should have put distance between you and her/him.  But for some reason, you allow them to stay close to you for longer than you should. When things finally come to a head and that “frenemy” walks away, you feel it. How you respond is crucial to your health and the maintenance of your vitality.

The courage to make a mindset shift and process the pain:

“It was one of the best things that could have ever happened to you”. This is what I tell someone who becomes stuck and unsure after the breakup of a “friendship:”. It is sometimes the root of their anxiety and fatigue. After listening to the dynamics of the relationship, I explain to them what it was like for me when I had to have the courage to let go of an unhealthy relationship.  The “frenemy” in my life could not stop her urge to “one up” me no matter how much love and respect I showed to her. (You do know that when you one up someone you have to “put her down” simultaneously, right?) The relationship had simply become toxic and consistently left me feeling drained. I was forced to “let her go” – an action that always hurts. BUT it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Had I not gone through that experience, I would not have been able to help others with this aspect of their courageous self-care. Nor would I have never made room for the actual true friend that came into my life – one who TRULY wanted the best for health and vitality of my family and me. As Henry Cloud says, “a safe person helps you to become a better version of who you were created to be.  An unsafe person harms you and tries to keep you from being the best you were meant to be or they trip you up in some way”. 

What about you?  Is there a person, perhaps, who openly and rudely criticizes you in front of others because he does not mind hurting your dignity? Maybe your maturity would not allow you to do that but you suffer the turmoil when something triggers you to remember the painful event. It is time to stop that and realize that it was one of the best things that could have ever happened to you.  Renowned singer/songwriter Matthew West put it this way – “Often rejection is just preparation. Let it fuel you.” And I might add, do not allow them to make you feel “less than”. You are not “less than”. 

Do you want your vitality restored? Welcome people who don’t want to play games with your emotional health.  Make room for those who are truly happy for you and want the best for you. They will help you regain your vitality.